Saturday, September 11, 2010

My first fan question!

Dear Sooper Luke,

I have been trying to fix my POS truck all day. No matter what I do, it never turns into a Porsche.  I changed the brakes, rotated the tires, changed the oil, and replaced the spark plugs an air filter, but it's still a POS truck.What else should I try? I really want it to turn into a Porsche.

Porsche-less in RI

Sent from my iPhone

You're part-way there, don't give up now.  You have an iPhone, and your truck has a lot in common with a Porsche:

  • Most have two seats.
  • Most are used more as commuting vehicles than for their intended purpose.
  • Most have four wheels.
Now, Porsches are light, and trucks aren't, so the first important step is to remove weight.  Porsches also don't have much cargo-carrying ability, so just remove the box and throw it away.  There, it's lighter and a lot more useless!  Isn't this easy?

The best Porsches have the engine behind the driver, rather than in front.  You'll have to drive backwards from now on.  The lack of visibility will make you super-courteous to other drivers, just like Porsche owners.

Pickup trucks are much taller than Porsches, so you should definitely cut your springs off and let most of the air out of your tires so that your truck rides lower and corners a lot better.  If you want a convertible Porsche, cut off the roof too, but leave the windows up all the time.

Trucks usually have V-type 8-cylinder engines, while the best Porsches have flat-type 6-cylinder engines.  You should remove two spark plugs and smash your engine with a sledge hammer until it's flat.

Porschification complete!


  1. I just learned something new today

  2. I have a Blackberry. Can you teach me how to turn it into a Lamborghini? Thanks.

  3. I have a Bicycle. How do I turn it into a jet fighter?